30 fingers&toes

"Are they triplets?" "No, I found the other one in the parking lot and thought, 'why not?'"


Buried under Mom Guilt

I can’t believe it’s effing August 1st already! I would love to know what exactly happened to the month of June. I haven’t been on this blog in so long I can’t even recall what my last post was about. It’s highly likely that I am about to regurgitate some old stuff in this post.

I have a job. Well, I have two jobs. Okay, three. I have three jobs. Two of these jobs pay money. The third pays in piles of laundry, dirty dishes, toothpaste explosions and dog vomit on the floor.

I started the first paying job just before the end of the school year for the kids. I had lots of guilt about not being the parent to drop them off at school or even pick them up some days. By the time I got home it was time to sit down and eat and then begin the evening routine of clean up and baths and a chapter of Harry Potter before bed. Then the kids were asleep. It felt awful. Almost every night someone was crying because I wasn’t taking them to school or picking them up. They were telling me they hated that I was working.

The guilt creeps in. Bastard.

Three weeks into the new job, I get another job. This job is great. I am really enjoying it so far. It’s been an intense first two weeks of this job. Mix in I have also been working at the other paying job until they can replace me. I went two weeks straight with only two days off. Sure to some that’s no big deal. However, when you haven’t been working full time outside of the home on top of full time inside the home, it makes for a hellish two weeks.

More tears. More piles of laundry. Dinners not made so takeout needs to be ordered. More tears and begging Mommy not to go to work.

Guilt. Guilt. GUILT!

I want to be there for them all the time. I want to be the one who takes them to school and gives them hugs and kisses. I want to wish them a good day and wave thirteen thousand times to them as I walk away. I want to be the one to greet them after school and hear all about how awesome or terrible their day was. I want to cheer them on or be there to pick up the pieces.

Going back to work is the pits. This week will be interesting as it will be my first, of many, evening shifts. I won’t be there to tuck them in, read Harry Potter, find missing stuffies.

The husband is perfectly capable of doing these things. So it’s not like I’m worried about that. It’s hard because for the last 8 years this has been my job. My job is the home. The kids. The dog. Everything. Trying to find balance again is taking some work. I am very thankful that my job is casual. I can pick up lots of shift or take no shifts. I think once I am in the game a bit more the kids will start to feel balance coming back as well.

The guilt is crappy. I want to give them just about everything and anything they want. Thankfully I am not a complete idiot either. I am loving this job. I am thrilled to have this opportunity and down the road I think some better jobs will come from it. The mom guilt is just going to have to be dealt with the best I can.

Tomorrow we are going out as a family. Something we haven’t been able to do in almost a month. I can’t wait and the fun part is the kids have no idea that we are going. I enjoy surprising them! Off to the Science Centre in Michigan!

I have some fun idea of things the kids and I can do on the days that I am off and I hope that this will help them see that they are still very important to me.